10 Things Shepard Just Can't Do
by Druzhnik
Summary: Jodi Shepard is good at many things. She is an excellent Commander, a deadly biotic beast on the battlefield and even a caring lover. She is intelligent, beautiful, fast and agile. But she's not perfect. There are things Shepard just can't do. This is a list of 10 of those things. (Set during ME2, but meant to just be funny so no real canon, pairing is Fem!Shep x Miranda.)
1. The List

**A/N: Below is a list with a small background story around it, the idea is that each chapter will go over one item on the list. Let me know if you like the idea so that I can see if it's worth continuing!**

* * *

"Okay, I have finished it," Shepard said, handing the datapad over to Miranda. They were lying on the bed in Miranda's office. The Collector Base had just been destroyed and there was just one thing left to do. Well, one thing besides destroying the Reapers, of course. Admiral Hackett had asked Shepard to rescue Dr. Kenson, a deep-cover agent in batarian space who was reported missing after purportedly having found evidence of the upcoming Reaper invasion. What Miranda didn't like, however, is that the Admiral had ordered Shepard to go in alone. That it would be an extremely dangerous mission was a fact, but Miranda could live with that. What she couldn't live with is that she wasn't allowed to stand beside her beloved Commander to see her live through the mission. But she didn't have a choice. Miranda had asked Shepard not to go, though the following discussion had been explosive. Literally. The Commander wouldn't budge. Miranda had then made one simple request. _Write me something meaningful about you so that I will have that to hold on to while you're away._

Miranda looked at the datapad.

* * *

**10 things Shepard sucks at:**

1. Doing yoga

2. Cooking

3. Giving advice on matters of romance

4. Stroking Garrus' ego

5. Dancing

6. Dealing with Kelly when hungover

7. Spending a day with Miranda without annoying her

8. Being a lady

9. Caring for fish

10. Doing what she's told (off duty)

* * *

Miranda sighed. "Shepard, you're impossible."

The Commander looked at her raven-haired lover with a huge grin on her face. "What? Why? These are fun facts! And there is a story to tell about each of them! You've actually witnessed most of them so you'll have memories you can think about!"

Miranda sighed again and shook her head. "This is not what I had in mind, Shepard. I thought you'd give me something more...well...I actually don't know what I thought. I should've known you would come up with something like this." She smiled and planted a kiss on the Commander's forehead. Shepard was just an overgrown child at times. It's what made her so endearing. Her playfulness had been what had attracted Miranda to Shepard in the first place. Though it annoyed her ofttimes as well. Of course she admired the Commander's beauty and strength and everything that came with it, but those traits everybody saw. Not everyone had the luxury to see the child inside Shepard as often as Miranda did. And she loved her clumsy redhead for it.

The Commander took Miranda in her arms and they settled on the bed. "We still have some time, lets go over each item so you'll have an encyclopaedia of events where I have made a fool of myself," Shepard said grinning. "But don't share it with anyone, or I might have to rip a tear into that catsuit of yours!"

Miranda smiled and took Shepard's free hand in her own. "You wouldn't dare. I'd flay you with my perfect biotics. Now go on, lets hear of your foolishness."


	2. Doing Yoga, or: The Bakasana

**A/N: first item on the list. Hopefully it's not too technical or too 'full' but I kind of wanted the whole crew to be there. The next chapter will be, as per Trishata96's near-request, explosive... ;-) Oh and if anyone has good ideas/requests per item on the list or wants to proofread, let me know!**

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The whole crew was gathered in the mess hall. It didn't happen often that they were given some downtime and they had been promised a spectacle. The Commander had given everyone a day off before they would make the jump through the Omega-4 Relay, thinking they deserved some rest and relaxation before, well, _dying_, maybe. However, since they weren't docked anywhere, they had to make do on the ship. Trying to make it more fun for the whole crew, Kasumi had called Shepard on a bet. They had had EDI monitor Garrus the whole day yesterday and had her count how many times he had said the word 'calibrations'. If Shepard guessed it right, she would call the shots on what to do during downtime. Knowing Shepard, that would've inevitably been a poker tournament. If Kasumi guessed it right, it would be the thief's call. And Kasumi had won.

Shepard was the last to enter the mess hall. Everyone had already been waiting in anticipation for the last ten minutes. The Commander walked into the hall with a deadly look on her face. She was wearing tight-fitted fatigues and a tank top to match, both with the Spectre logo on them. Her red hair was tied back in a bun, as per Kasumi's instructions. Miranda stood pouting beside Kelly, wearing her white catsuit as per usual. When Miranda had told her lover she wouldn't be joining them in their 'fun', Shepard had _ordered_ Miranda to partake in it. Technically she couldn't do that today, because they were off duty, but Shepard had a way of making the dark-haired Cerberus officer succumb to her wishes by attacking her with an army of tender kisses and caresses Miranda so lusted for.

"Hell, Miranda, I could've figured you'd wear your catsuit even now," Shepard growled while entering the small circle Kasumi had cleared for the lesson. Miranda shrugged, still pouting. Standing in the circle beside the four human women was Mordin. The salarian had reacted excitedly to Kasumi's suggestion to organize a yoga lesson and so he had joined them eagerly.

Kasumi had invited everyone, but the rest of the crew preferred to watch. Some of them had good reason, of course. Grunt probably wasn't very flexible, Legion was out of the question, and Garrus' hard scales might prove troublesome during the more difficult positions. Plus, he was still a tad grumpy about the fact that he had practically been ridiculed in the bet. Tali had muttered something about suit ruptures and had left it at that. Jack had called them pussies and said yoga was for 'weak-hearted bitches'. Zaeed agreed with her. Jacob had gotten away with saying he just wasn't flexible enough and Dr. Chakwas seconded that statement on her part. Thane had said something about his disease worsening and nobody had wanted to press such a delicate issue, not even the usually blunt Commander. Kasumi had hoped Samara would join in, thinking the asari would be very good at yoga, but Samara had said she would have to watch the lesson first in order to see whether it would conflict with her Code. That was complete bullshit of course, but the asari had refused to say anything else in the matter. Joker obviously couldn't join in, but he had set the _Normandy _on auto-pilot so that he at least could "watch the ladies' slender bodies bend into all kinds of alluring shapes". As he had put it himself. His comment had earned him a careful smack on the head from Tali. Even though most of the crew didn't join in in the end, they all wanted to see what was going to happen. Kasumi had promised a spectacle after all. Besides, anything that made both the great Commander and the stern Cerberus operative uneasy was a spectacle waiting to happen. And so they had all come to see the event unfold.

There were five objects of interest: an enthusiastic Kasumi, Kelly and Mordin, and a disgruntled Shepard and Miranda. On the floor were five make-shift yoga mats that Kasumi had made when she was bored in between missions. They were all in a different color. Kasumi occupied the black mat that was lying in front of the other mats. She pointed a happily smiling Kelly to a giddy yellow, the frowning Miranda to a stern white, a fidgety Mordin to a bright red and Shepard to a green.

"Combined with your red hair that will make you look very Christmassy, Shep!" Kasumi called out, eliciting a growl from the Commander. Shepard, however, was a good sport and stepped on the mat. She figured this was necessary for her crew to lift their spirits. After all, downtime had been extremely scarce lately and they were all a bit edgy in anticipation of the jump through the Omega-4 Relay. _And if I make a complete fool out of myself, at least nobody will remember if we all die on the suicide mission_.

_But that doesn't mean I don't have to behave like an obedient puppy_.

"Kasumi, if you cause me to make a fool out of myself, I might just throw you out of the airlock," Shepard stated firmly. Zaeed and Grunt let out a thundering laugh, Grunt mumbling something about him going to open the airlock straight away. Kasumi didn't seem bothered.

"Shep, you'll probably excel at this like you do at everything," was her simple, though challenging, reply. Miranda snorted a bit too loudly.

The Commander shot Miranda a look and motioned Kasumi to begin her lesson. They went through a couple basic warming exercises first to warm up their muscles. Of course, Miranda executed them perfectly fluently. Shepard was mumbling something about how she'd fall asleep if the whole lesson would be this easy. Kelly and Mordin were silent in their focus and actually not doing so bad.

"All right. Now we're all warmed up, let's start the lesson in a proper way, with the sun salutation," Kasumi said.

Shepard snickered. "Heh, that's funny, ...in space." The human crew laughed but Kasumi ignored Shepard's comment.

"Put your arms up and then sweep down into a down dog." Kelly and Miranda immediately got it, Mordin waited for Kasumi to show how to do it and then emulated it perfectly. Shepard stood there with an arched eyebrow, head tilted sideways. The Commander only started the movement after Tali gently prodded her side.

"I know a story or two about a dog, but trust me, it took a goddamn while before they went down," Zaeed sneered.

"Now place your right foot in between your hands, if you don't succeed in one go use one hand to guide your foot there, and straighten your back. Good. Then put your foot back and make a plank, like you would if you were starting push-ups."

Shepard smiled. _I know how to do that! _Pleased with herself, she did a push up to show off.

"Good. Go down slowly until your face is on the floor. Arch your upper back into cobra pose."

Miranda's movements were fluent as ever, her catsuit rippling here and there, accentuating her perfectly lithe body. Kelly tried her best and kept a positive attitude. She wasn't a star at yoga, but it was quickly visible that she could hold her own. Mordin was focusing so hard that he hadn't spoken a word since the start of the lecture, to everyone's relief. Shepard went into cobra pose after watching Kasumi do it and then mumbled something about having to fight the Collectors with a strained back.

Garrus, already feeling uncomfortable, thought that this cobra pose would hurt any turian. When he voiced his thoughts Jack told him he was a pussy too so he might as well join the others. Grunt then joked that Jack's quad was bigger than Garrus', sending them bickering over who had a bigger pair on the battlefield.

"Can all of you please be silent?" Kasumi asked. "This is about inner peace and strength, you're not helping if you're fighting over who's got bigger balls. And it's difficult enough already for Shep." The crew fell silent. The only audible noise was Shepard's disdained snort.

"Now from cobra you go directly back into down dog, then place both feet forward and stand up with your back straight. We'll do this for the left side also and then a couple times more to really get that energy flowing."

Truth be told, this exercise was quite doable for the Commander. She was starting to feel yoga would be something she could do after all. But she didn't know Kasumi had more in store.

"We are going to want to stretch those legs and backs a bit more and practice our weight placement. So get back to down dog and then put your right foot between your hands again," Kasumi ordered. The class followed suit.

"Straighten your back and look forward. Place your right arm on your right leg and lift your left arm over your head to stretch your side. If you can, put your right hand on the floor. But don't worry if that's too much for you."

_Is that a challenge? _Shepard thought. She tried placing her hand on the floor and immediately regretted it. "OW! Hell on a stick!"

The crew laughed. Grunt made a puzzled look and asked if 'hell on a stick' was something edible, which elicited even more laughter from the crew. Dr. Chakwas shook her head and told him it was a figure of speech, well, of Shepard's speech. Grunt shrugged and said humans were weird. He also asked whether this was enough to push Kasumi out of the airlock and received a smack on the head from the doctor in response.

They did a few similar exercises, stretching this and that and then bending back and forth. Mordin had very surprisingly turned out to be really good at yoga. He picked up on the movements real quick and executed them with grace and suppleness. He didn't even break a sweat. Kasumi voiced her compliments to him and Miranda a couple of times to let them know they were doing well. She also praised Kelly and Shepard so that they wouldn't feel bad, but they were definitely struggling more than the salarian and the dark-haired human.

Most men just watched Miranda flow through the poses. Interestingly enough, the perfect woman didn't sweat either which led to Jack sneering that 'the bitch might be a salarian bitch'. Joker sat with a huge smile on his face the whole time and Jacob's lip curled upward in appreciation once or twice. As Kasumi was guiding her class through one last stretch before the big finale, Tali looked at Garrus and noticed his thoughtful look and twitching mandibles.

"What are you thinking about, Garrus?" she asked in her adorable innocence.

Garrus gave a start. "Uh...calibrations..."

Shepard snickered and almost fell over because of it. That in turn made Kelly grin, who extended a hand and placed it on Shepard's hip to steady the Commander. She received a furious look from Miranda in return. The yeoman flashed an innocent smile at the stern Cerberus officer but retracted her hand just in case. Kasumi told them to go into a squat and so she did.

Shepard straightened her body first, wiping the sweat off her forehead, and looked at Miranda. "I didn't know you could bend all those ways, Miri," she teased. Miranda, who had still been looking angrily at Kelly, turned her head toward the Commander and shot her lover an angry look too. She didn't like it when the Commander talked to her like that in front of the whole crew. And the crew only made it worse by collectively bursting out in laughter.

"Why, Commander, I thought you'd know ALL the ways Lawson can bend in by now," Joker hooted. Grunt made a movement as to slap Joker on the shoulder in appreciation, but remembered the pilot's brittleness just in time and slapped Thane instead. The drell hit the krogan in his weak spot in return which made the krogan honor his self-chosen name. To Miranda's great dismay, Shepard's laugh was loudest of all.

"Shut up, Shepard, and just do what Kasumi is telling you for once," she growled. The Commander grinned sheepishly and went into a squat.

"The next position is a difficult one. Don't feel bad if you can't do it. But at least try. This pose is called 'bakasana'. Place your hands firmly in front of you, spread your fingers. Feel the floor, feel your strength. Spread your knees so that they face outward and place your thighs up against your upper arms. It's kind of like you're a frog." Shepard couldn't hold in her snicker at that comment. Miranda sighed.

"Shepard-"

"All right all right, you don't have to go all Cerberusy on me, Miranda," Shepard said defensively.

"In the bedroom however..." Joker whispered just loud enough for Garrus to hear. The turian let out a low grumble, which was his version of a silent laugh.

"Okay. When you're comfortable in this position, lean forward and put pressure on your thighs. You want them firm and pressed against your arms. Then gently lift one foot, and if you can, the other." In a split second Kasumi was balancing on her hands, her feet up in the air. She then straightened her arms somewhat and lifted herself even further. The crew gazed in wonder.

_Huh._ Shepard looked around to see if the others succeeded in doing this position. Miranda was up in the air in a fly, of course. _Damn that woman. MY perfect woman_, Shepard thought with a tinge of jealousy but mostly with growing admiration. Kelly was swaying back and forth a bit before she finally managed to lift both feet. She didn't straighten her arms however, content to be in the pose as she was. Mordin surprised everyone again by practically jumping into the pose like it was nothing. He was still silent.

_Damn it. Everyone's doing it. Hell. Here I go._

Shepard placed her thighs against her upper arms like Kasumi had instructed and put her weight forward. She attempted lifting one foot, lunged forward a bit too much for her taste and put her foot back on the floor again. _Shit._ She tried again. This time one foot _did_ go up successfully, though the Commander was now wobbling dangerously. The others were already coming out of their pose and were settling on the floor to watch Shepard struggle. All eyes were on the Commander now.

"Come on, Shepard!" Tali shouted encouragingly.

"Yeah, show them Commander!" Jacob added.

"This should be good," Jack, Grunt and Zaeed practically commented at the same time. They looked at each other and burst out laughing once more. Samara shot them an intimidating look as if to say that they were on the verge of breaching the Code. It immediately silenced them.

_Time for the second foot_.

Shepard tried to lift her second foot and promptly lost her balance. She plunged forward, landing on her face hard.

"OW! Fucking frog! What the fuck? OW! How the fuck do you do that?!" she yelled, still face-palming the floor. Her little dive had sent the whole crew roaring. Joker nearly fell over laughing and sprained his left shin bone in the process, but it was definitely worth it.

Kelly walked over to Shepard and lifted her up gently. She then got shoved aside brutally by Miranda.

"Are you hurt, Shepard?" Miranda asked, tenderly brushing her fingers over her girlfriend's sore forehead.

Shepard grunted in shame. "No."

"Great fun. Actually felt like a frog. Didn't know I could do that. Learned a lot today. Yoga is refreshing. Should do it more often. Can help teach you, Shepard. Will do more research on that. You know where to find me if you need me." Mordin had very obviously gotten his ability to speak back. With a final nod at Kasumi he left for his lab to start his new research immediately.

Miranda smiled and planted a kiss on Shepard's forehead. "Thanks for the lesson, Kasumi. It's good to know the Commander isn't good at _everything_ she does. After all, we can't all be perfect," she said with a grin.

Kasumi nodded and grinned back. "I hope for your sake that Shep is better in the sack than she is at yoga!"

Everyone expected Miranda to go into a fit after that remark. It wasn't exactly a secret that she didn't like anyone commenting on her relationship with the Commander. But Miranda actually laughed. "Oh, _trust_ me, she is."

Joker sprained another bone.

Shepard grinned impishly. An idea had just popped into her head and she was _so_ going to take advantage of Miranda's sudden relaxation. _If this works, I'm ordering Miranda to do yoga every day._

"Lawson. On second thought I think I _am_ hurt. Can you escort me back to my cabin to make sure I get there safely? And then maybe you can...nurse me?" The Commander grinned stupidly while the crew tried _so_ very hard to hold in their upcoming fits of laughter in anticipation of the dark-haired woman's reply.

Miranda frowned, immediately displeased by the turn of events, but she couldn't back down now. That would actually make her look _more_ stupid than if she'd play along. So she decided to make it even more rowdy.

"Of course, Shepard. Though I'm warning you. My nursing abilities will make you scream," she replied while taking hold of the Commander's hand and herding her lover to the elevator. Shepard, a silly grin locked firmly on her face, looked back at her flabbergasted crew and winked.


	3. Cooking

**A/N: on to the second item on the list: cooking. I have taken Trishata96's feedback as a suggestion and this chapter thus has an explosion in it. It was actually pretty difficult to write. I hope you enjoy it!**

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Miranda was feeling a bit apprehensive when she got up to leave her office. When she had been doing research on the person that was Shepard, during the time Cerberus was rebuilding the Commander, she had stumbled upon an interview in which Shepard had admitted to being a horrible cook. That's why Miranda couldn't begin to fathom why the Commander would think that inviting her to a home-cooked dinner would be the most romantic thing ever. How could a foul taste in your mouth make you feel the romance? Even though she could not understand, she had given Shepard a chance to prove herself in the kitchen. After all, the Commander _herself_ had never actually told Miranda that she was a bad cook, so technically Miranda couldn't refuse. But that didn't stop her from feeling a bit anxious. For one, she was still undecided as to what to do if the dinner turned out to taste horribly. Should she pretend it was good or should she just tell Shepard that cooking might not be her cup of tea?

Rounding the corner to the small kitchen, Miranda saw Shepard crouched in a squat, rummaging through the lower cupboards. Her girlfriend was wearing loose-fitting army green BDU pants and her favorite N7 hoodie. The Commander still blatantly refused to wear anything that had the Cerberus logo on it and had actually suggested Miranda cut out the Cerberus logo on her catsuit. She had then proceeded to make a joke about how it couldn't hurt if Miranda would show some more skin. That had of course earned her a smack on the head. It hadn't stopped Shepard from carrying a pair of scissors around afterwards to snap them at Miranda from time to time during off-duty hours, however.

Seeing Shepard make such an effort to cook something for her made the Cerberus officer feel unfamiliarly warm inside. Shepard might be extremely ruthless on missions and she might also behave like a complete ass at times, but she always tried to make Miranda feel important. That was one of the things Miranda loved so much about Shepard. The Commander would go to great lengths to let her know that she cared, and everyone knew she would damn well die before letting anything happen to her raven-haired girl.

When Shepard noticed Miranda approaching the kitchen, she flashed the operative a lopsided grin. Miranda shook her head, though secretly she was smiling. The Commander looked adorable when she pulled that face and the redhead knew it.

"So you decided to finally show up, hm, Lawson?" Shepard teased. She pulled a large pan out of one of the cupboards and set it on the stove. She then placed some flour and salt on the kitchen counter.

"What are you cooking, Jodi?" Miranda asked, looking at Shepard's supplies. Shepard didn't answer and walked over to the fridge. She took out some eggs, milk and butter and placed the ingredients beside the salt and flour.

"Guess."

Miranda frowned. She really couldn't tell and that annoyed her. She was used to knowing almost everything. But things like these eluded her. Miranda had never cooked in her life, because she didn't have to. When she was still living with her father, which was by no means a nice memory, he had someone cook for them. After her escape she had lived off scraps and anything she could afford to buy, but that didn't last long. Ever since Cerberus took her in she had been catered to. And she liked it that way. Why waste her energy on things _other_ people could do for her?

"I don't know, Shepard. Just tell me," Miranda replied, annoyed. Shepard looked up from the counter and frowned at Miranda.

"I'm making pancakes! Everyone would know just by looking at this stuff!" Shepard fell silent for a second, frowning. "Does that mean you've never had pancakes before?" she asked.

Miranda shook her head. "No, Shepard. In case you've forgotten, my life so far wasn't filled with pink clouds, puppies and ponies. My father never let me eat anything that I might find remotely enjoyable, so no."

The Commander hit herself on the head for being such a fool and walked over to Miranda, pulling her into an embrace. "I'm sorry, Miri. Let's make you enjoy your food for once then!" Shepard planted a kiss on top of Miranda's head and then walked back to the kitchen. She rummaged in a cupboard some more and finally pulled out a whisk and a bowl. She then started mixing the ingredients for the pancakes. Miranda stood watching her lover for a while and then walked over to the kitchen. Leaning against the counter, she continued to observe the visibly excited redhead.

"So, pancakes, huh. Is that the most romantic food you can think of?" Her voice unintentionally sounded a bit too harsh.

Shepard gave a start and accidentally knocked over the flour, sending a cloud of dust reeling through the air. When the flour settled, Shepard's face and hair were white. She grunted, but pretended nothing had ever happened when she noticed the mirth in Miranda's eyes. She licked her lips and shot Miranda a challenging look.

"Oh, we're back to criticizing I see. As a matter of fact, yes it is. I love pancakes and I love you. Love plus love equals more love. It's simple maths, Miranda. I'm surprised you didn't catch that," Shepard replied with an impish grin.

For once, Miranda didn't fight the urge to laugh and let her melodious laughter fill the mess hall. Shepard looked at her and smiled warmly.

"Don't get too comfortable or I might pull out my scissors again," she teased, receiving a dangerous look in return.

"Aren't you going to clean yourself, Jodi?" the Cerberus operative asked after a while.

"Nope!" came Shepard's simple answer. "This is part of making pancakes!"

After having made the pancake batter, the Commander took the bowl to the stove and tried to heat the pan. Nothing happened. Frowning, Shepard checked the stove and discovered to her great disappointment that the thing was broken. Apparently deciding that applying brute force would be the best way to get the machine working again, she kicked it with her right foot. Save a loud _thunk, _nothing happened.

"Damn it! Why doesn't this thing work?" Shepard shouted irritably. Miranda crossed her arms and watched the spectacle unfold with an amused smile gracing her perfect face.

Shepard gave the stove another kick and then stormed out of the kitchen towards the main battery room. "GARRUS! Get your ass over here and do some useful calibrations for a change!"

A minute later, a confused turian walked into the kitchen, mandibles twitching in anticipation. He took one look at Shepard, still covered in flour, and stifled a chuckle. "What seems to be the problem, Shepard?" Garrus chimed.

"THE STOVE ISN'T WORKING."

Garrus somehow managed to frown as he looked at the Commander. "And why do you think I can fix that, Shepard?" he asked. His voice now clearly had amusement in it and it only caused the redhead to become more and more enraged at the whole situation.

"BECAUSE YOU CALIBRATE EVERYTHING."

Garrus let out a 'hmpf' and shrugged. "Can't see how something like this could be calibrated. I'm sorry, Shepard, but I can't help you. I'm not your kitchen turian. I'm your big badass gun-calibrating turian. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go do my job." With that, he turned around and walked, no, _sauntered,_ away. Shepard's eyes went wide with surprise.

"Your borderline insubordination should grant you a one-way trip out of the airlock, Scars! You're lucky I don't do things like that in front of a lady," Shepard growled, though sounding a bit amused herself now.

"Whatever, Cerberus," Garrus replied before disappearing into the main battery room.

Miranda remained silent through the whole exchange, still not used to the way in which Shepard and Garrus 'communicated' with each other. She studied the Commander's face and concluded that nothing bad had actually happened between the human and the turian. She couldn't understand why Shepard allowed her crew to talk to her in such a way, but it was Jodi's call. Her attempts to correct Shepard in this matter had always resulted in a stubborn rebuke from the redhead, so she had stopped commenting on it.

"What are you going to do now, Jodi?" Miranda asked innocently. She secretly hoped Shepard would now be unable to cook dinner. It was a convenient way to solve her earlier issue concerning whether or not to tell Shepard the food was disgusting.

Shepard looked at Miranda thoughtfully. Suddenly, the Commander's face changed into a look that Miranda had learned to identify as 'an idea'. Within this context she quickly decided this idea would probably be a bad one.

"I've got an idea," Shepard announced. Miranda sighed. Immediately, a blue glow surrounded the Commander.

"What are you doing, Shepard?" Miranda asked while taking a step back. She didn't like where this was going.

"I'm going to heat the pan with my biotics!" Shepard exclaimed as if she had just thought of something brilliant. She focused her emerald eyes on the pan on the stove. The blue glow surrounding her increased in strength.

"How?!"

Shepard chose not to answer and sent shockwaves at the stove instead. When the first wave hit the stove, a blow sent Miranda flying backwards, forcefully slamming her back into the wall of the med bay. The stove exploded with a huge blast, hurtling the pan across the third deck. An enormous cloud of flour created a temporary haze over the kitchen. Shepard had disappeared somewhere inside the haze.

The doors to the main battery room and the med bay opened at once and Garrus and Dr. Chakwas practically ran out to see what had happened. Both came to a halt at Miranda's side, pulling the woman to her feet. Chakwas tried to check whether Miranda had sustained any wounds but the operative wouldn't let her. Instead, she stumbled toward the direction of the fog, looking for the Commander.

"Jodi? Where are you? Are you okay?" Miranda almost lost her footing when she heard the panic in her own voice.

After a moment she heard a movement and out came Shepard. Her face was a mixture of white and blackened flour, she had cuts and bruises all over her arms and her hair looked worse than Einstein's. She looked like a monster. A grinning monster. Shepard walked over to Miranda to inspect her lover for injuries. Finding none, she scratched the back of her head with her left hand and looked apologetic.

"I guess that wasn't such a good idea."

"Commander. Please alert me the next time you think biotics will help you heat a pan. If you would have voiced your intentions, I would have advised against it. As it is now, we will have to dock somewhere to repair the damage. This will effectively delay our next mission for several weeks," EDI's voice chirped through the comms. Apparently Joker was making a comment to EDI, for his voice could be heard somewhere in the background. After a moment of silence, EDI added "and Mr. Moreau asked me to tell you that you are a horrible cook, Commander."

Miranda had been too stunned by what she was seeing to react until now, but she recovered and glared at Shepard.

"You fool! How on earth could you think that sending _shockwaves_ at a stove would be a good idea?! I can't _believe_ I'm involved with someone who manages to blow up a stove when she tries to cook something!" Tears of fear and disbelief welled up in Miranda's eyes and she lunged forward to grab Shepard. The redhead just smirked and stroked Miranda's hair.

"And yet here you are, in my arms. I might try to cook for you more often if that makes you cling to me so," Shepard teased. She braced herself for the upcoming smack to her head but it never came. Instead, Miranda lifted her head and kissed the Commander, baffling the both of them.

Behind the pair, a bewildered Garrus and Dr. Chakwas were still surveying the wreckage that had once been the kitchen. Deciding that being part of the clean-up crew wasn't her cup of tea and that both women would come see her if needed, Dr. Chakwas turned around and walked back to her office. Garrus lingered for a moment longer and snorted loudly.

"I might have to start cooking as well," the turian chimed before making his way back to his calibrations.

* * *

_A/N: hmmm what did Garrus mean by that? Might he have an object of affection as well? Could there be a connection to nr. 3 on the list? Stay tuned!_


	4. Giving Advice on Matters of Romance

**A/N: nope, fooled you, it's not Garrus! This chapter wasn't proofread so my sincerest apologies for any errors that you might encounter. And, of course, enjoy and please review! :)**

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He was awaiting her arrival. He had asked her to come see him, but hadn't told her why. Knowing her, however, it wouldn't take long before she'd get here. She always wanted to know what was going on with her crew. Always ready to help out.

The door slid open and Shepard came striding into the room. She came to a halt right in front of him and measured him with her emerald eyes.

"Battlemaster," Grunt acknowledged.

"Grunt." Shepard said with a nod. The krogan looked miserable, quite like he had when he needed to go through his rite of passage. The redhead gave a smirk and leaned back against the wall, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

"So, what's eating at you, Grunt? Another rite of passage you need to go through? Should I call the thresher maw hotline and have one freshly delivered to the _Normandy_? Maybe with some varren sauce to the side?" She snickered at her own joke.

At any other moment Grunt would have stomped his massive feet in excitement at the mention of the gigantic worm-beasts that were thresher maws. This time, he only shook is big head and gave a sigh. "No, Shepard. It's not blood frenzy. It's...something else. Something Okeer didn't imprint on me in the tank. I don't understand it."

Shepard frowned, suddenly serious. "What is it that's bothering you then?"

The krogan walked over to one of the storage crates in his room and took the single datapad that was lying on top of it. The device looked tiny in his huge claws. For a second, Shepard wondered if he could even operate the thing, but he seemed to have no problems with it. He tapped the screen a few times and then practically shoved it into Shepard's face. A vid started playing.

Shepard's eyes went wide with shock. The vid showed a naked asari doing unimaginable things to an equally naked krogan. She watched in horror for twenty seconds, unable to speak or move or even think, and then pushed the datapad away. She looked at him in horror. The krogan understood her implicit message and closed the vid.

"You called me down here to show me porn?!" Shepard asked incredulously. "What _did_ you actually just show me?"

Grunt shrugged. "Fornax Special Spotlight. The Krogan Edition. It's got asari in it."

"Yeah, that was kinda hard to miss."

Grunt shrugged again. He put the datapad back on the crate and shot Shepard an innocent look. "I like the asari," he stated simply.

"Join the club. Everybody likes the asari," came Shepard's reply. She still couldn't believe Grunt had showed her that. Granted, she had known that he'd downloaded some conspicuous vids; Liara's archives on the Shadow Broker ship had told her as much. Shepard remembered snickering when she had gone through those archives and had seen that Grunt had looked up something as innocent as dinosaurs on the extranet first, and had then proceeded to download Vaenia.

"So why did you show me this?" Shepard asked, snapping out of her reverie.

"I need your advice on something. I know how to mate - Okeer gave me those imprints - but I never thought much of it. I am pure krogan. I have more right to mate than any other krogan. But there is something...else. Shepard, can you explain romantic feelings to me?"

Shepard blinked in surprise. She looked around the room, trying to think of an excuse to get the hell out. Giving romantic advice to a krogan? That was just too much. The Illusive Man had _not_ put this in her job description. Then again, she wasn't exactly doing what the Illusive Man wanted, anyway. So that was no excuse. But **come on**,advising a krogan on matters of _romance_?!

The Commander scratched the back of her head and gave a nervous laugh. "Um. Is this serious? You're not playing some kind of joke on me, right?"

Grunt looked thoroughly miserable as he shook his head. Shepard immediately felt sorry for him. "I'm sorry, Grunt. You just overwhelmed me with that question. I suppose I can try to help. Though I'm not good at these things myself."

Grunt stomped his foot once to show his appreciation for the Commander's willingness to help him out yet again. He clasped his claws together and took a step closer to Shepard. "But you have a mate! Makes sense to me, but how did you do that if you say you are bad at it?" He was silent for a second, apparently thinking things over. "Did she send you a breeding request?"

He was actually being serious.

Shepard couldn't help but laugh. She only half believed that this was happening. As she was shaking with laughter, a stray strand of red hair wriggled loose from her bun. She tucked it behind her ear and settled her eyes on the poor krogan. "No, Grunt. That's not how it works with humans. Though it would make things easier, I suppose."

The krogan seemed genuinely confused. "Other species don't use breeding requests?" he asked silently.

Shepard shook her head again as she answered his question. "I believe the salarians employ somewhat of a similar system with their arranged marriages, but to my knowledge that's about it. Don't tell me you like someone of a different species than your own?"

Grunt seemed taken aback a bit. He had always appreciated his battlemaster's wit, but he thought he had hidden his true interests quite well. Then again, krogan weren't awfully intelligent by nature. Even the superior krogan that was Grunt wasn't the brightest. He looked at Shepard and nodded slowly. Shepard's eyes widened.

"Who?" she asked.

"Samara."

To say that Shepard's jaw dropped in astonishment would be an understatement. If it could have hit the floor, it would have. The Commander unconsciously took a step back and stared at Grunt. She was at a loss for words and only managed to utter a few completely unintelligible sounds.

"So I shouldn't send her a breeding request?" Grunt asked.

"N-n-noooooo..." Shepard spluttered, still wide-eyed. A mental image of Grunt undressing Samara started to form and she had to push it away firmly before she'd be rendered completely speechless. She blinked.

"Grunt...um, I don't know if this is a good idea?" Shepard had meant to simply state it, but it came out as a question. The krogan shrugged.

"But I like her. She's pretty. And she's tough, battlemaster. You are the toughest on this ship, but you are my battlemaster. She is almost as dangerous as you are. She is perfect for mating," he replied.

The Commander needed a minute to process all of this. So Grunt saw Samara as second toughest on the _Normandy_ when it came to mating possibilities. That was quite...rational.

"Sounds calculating to me. That doesn't mean you necessarily have feelings for her, Grunt."

If krogan could blush then Grunt would be blushing right now. He gazed at the floor and shifted his massive feet uncomfortably. He actually looked quite adorable.

"I didn't tell you everything, battlemaster. The way she talks, and moves, and just looks at the rest of the crew, it reminds me of...a predator. A magnificent predator. I want us to hunt together when this is over. I...she...I like her, Shepard," he mumbled at the floor.

The only thing going through Shepard's mind right now was 'holy crap'. She had found herself at a loss for words too often, for her taste, during this conversation. She wanted to help Grunt, but she just didn't think Samara would feel the same way about him. The Code always came first, and besides the both of them had already talked about romance. The asari had let slip that she was intrigued by Shepard and that she hadn't thought she was still capable of such feelings. But nothing had come from it - Shepard was completely devoted to Miranda. And Samara said she didn't want to get involved with anyone right now anyway. But it wasn't Shepard's place to tell Grunt that, she reflected. She took a deep breath and stepped closer to the krogan, gently lifting his enormous head with both her hands.

"Grunt. Look. There is no reason for you to be ashamed. I want to help you, I'm just not sure whether I am the right person to advise you in this. Samara is tough, you're right, but she's gotta have a soft side. You should appeal to that, I think."

Grunt seemed to consider her words for a moment. Then, suddenly, his eyes went wide and he stomped his feet furiously. "I have an idea!" he bellowed. With that, he charged off to the elevator, leaving a baffled Shepard behind.

* * *

The Commander chose to remain in the krogan's room until his return. She was very curious about the idea that had made him run off with such speed. Most of all, she wanted to know what had come of it. She sat down on one of the storage crates and waited.

Looking up at the ceiling, she called out to the starship's AI. "EDI?"

A fraction of a second passed before the AI responded. "How may I be of assistance, Commander?"

"Can you monitor Starboard Observation for me, please?" Shepard asked.

"Could you specify the parameters, Commander?"

"Just any notable readings of the crew that's currently in there. Can you tell me if anything's out of the ordinary?"

"Scanning." This time the pause lasted a second. "My readings show that there are two crew members currently in Starboard Observation. One is the asari, Samara, and the other is the krogan, Grunt. My readings show increased heart rates and adrenaline levels on the krogan. The asari shows a slightly higher heart rate, but it's hardly significant." EDI delivered her report in a monotonous voice.

Shepard thanked the AI and reflected on the report. If only one of them was showing higher readings than usual, then at least they weren't fighting. Or having intercourse. She didn't know which of the two she actually preferred. She couldn't puzzle out what _was_ going on up there, however. Could Samara be this unfazed by Grunt's confession? She decided to go check it out to be sure that none of them would get harmed. Before she could leave, however, the door flew open and Grunt came thundering in. He looked furious and miserable at the same time. He swept past Shepard and charged the window with full force. The glass cracked, an inch from breaking. Grunt braced himself for another charge.

"Grunt! Stop that! That's an order!" Shepard barked. She didn't want him crashing down on the next level. Luckily, the krogan responded. He hit his tank with one fist instead, damaging it beyond repair. His posture then seemed to sag as he turned towards Shepard and looked at her sadly.

"What happened?" the Commander asked.

"I took your advice. I appealed to her soft side. She doesn't have one," came his resigned reply.

"What did you do, exactly? You stormed out of here before we could discuss your strategy!" Shepard exclaimed.

The krogan eyed her before answering. He then placed his claws in front of his chest and took a deep breath. "_Oh, Blue Rose of Illium, let your roots dig deep into the hot soil of Tuchanka. Let our scorching sun and sheeting rain turn your supple beauty into strength. For if our love is to survive, it must grow thorns to pierce the hand of any that would uproot it_!" Despite his sadness he still managed to deliver the poem with passion. Shepard could only imagine how he'd recited it in front of the justicar.

The Commander stared at him incredulously. "You did _that_?!" She slapped her face with one hand.

"What's wrong with it?" Grunt asked, visibly confused.

Shepard shook her head. "Grunt. You recited a poem that you heard while we were on Illium. Another krogan's poem."

"Yes. So?"

The Commander sighed. "Do you remember who we were with when we heard Charr recite that poem?"

"Yes, Samara. Why?"

Shepard slapped herself again. "How on Ear-Tuchanka, could you think that reciting a poem she's already heard and of which she _knows _is not your own would be a good idea?" she asked in a high-pitched voice.

"You told me to appeal to her soft side! I did! What does it matter that it's not my poem or that she's heard it already?" the tank-born retorted. At any other given moment Shepard would have smiled at his naivety.

"Because she knows it's not original! She probably thought you were making fun of her!"

The krogan threw his arms up in resignation. "I don't understand any of this. A soft side is for weak-skulled hatchlings, anyway. She's got quads. So I thought maybe she doesn't have a soft side."

Shepard frowned, unwilling to argue about whether or not Samara had a soft side. "So what did you do next?" She wasn't sure if she wanted to know the answer to her question, not after hearing what Grunt had deduced from her advice in the first place. See? She shouldn't give anyone romantic advice. Bad things came from it. Now she was stuck with a sad krogan and, most probably, an angry asari. She had seen Liara angry before and Samara was a thousand times scarier. Shepard made a mental note to avoid the justicar for the next couple of days.

"I told her she should at least fight me. Let me prove that I'm superior to any other krogan. I was sure that my strength would convince her to mate with me," the krogan replied.

It just got worse and worse. Shepard shook her head yet again. Miranda would've probably dealt with this matter a lot more effectively. Hell, even Kelly would've managed to sort this out. They could probably even have avoided any material damage to the ship. Shepard was a commander, and Grunt's battlemaster, not some love councilor. She sighed.

"So what happened...?"

Grunt snarled. He hit his already ruined tank with his fist again. "She didn't want to fight me. Said that if she'd fight me she'd also have to kill me. Something about her Code. She didn't even grant me the honor to prove my strength!" he answered, humiliated.

"Ouch," Shepard said. "I can see why that hurts your feelings, Grunt. But don't worry, there's plenty of other fish in the sea."

Grunt shot her a confused look. "I don't want fish. What would I do with fish?"

"No, it's a matter of speech, it means that - oh, never mind. Just don't beat yourself up over it."

"Why would I beat _myself_ up?" the krogan asked, even more confused.

"Never mind! Let it go! You'll find another mate, that's what I tried to get through your thick skull!" Shepard exclaimed. Sometimes it was damn hard to talk to Grunt. She always seemed to forget that he was still unfamiliar with many idioms. Those hadn't exactly been Okeer's first priority to imprint on his tank-born, obviously.

Grunt seemed to consider that for a moment. "Will you mate with me?" he then asked.

Shepard was in shock. Did he just ask her that? _Seriously_? She swallowed, not knowing how to respond. She didn't want to hurt his feelings even more, but she definitely didn't want to say yes either of course. Miranda would flay both of them alive. And obviously she simply didn't want to mate with Grunt.

Grunt flashed his sharp teeth in a grin and punched Shepard in the shoulder. "I was kidding, battlemaster. I'm over it. If she doesn't want to mate with a pure krogan, then this pure krogan will find someone else. Someone worthy to mate with."

Shepard grimaced and rubbed her now throbbing shoulder. She was relieved that his question hadn't been a serious one, but there was no need to punch her. Without armor on, that actually _hurt_. Even with her heavy skin weave upgrades. She scowled at him.

"Good to hear. Though next time you think of punching me like that, be prepared to fight me and get your quads kicked, krantt or no krantt," she warned. Grunt clashed his fists together in appreciation and nodded.

"It will be an honor, battlemaster. Do you want to watch the rest of the Fornax vid together?"

Shepard fled the room faster than EDI could compute pi.


	5. Stroking Garrus' Ego

**A/N: I apologize for the delay in updating this story. I have been somewhat...distracted lately. And my muse seems to have deserted me over the past weeks. I did want to get this chapter out, so here it is. Hopefully my muse will return to me soon.**

* * *

Visaya T'Nari looked up from her desk as a drell, a turian and a human entered the shooting range. Turians and humans weren't particularly a rare sight in Nos Astra, but drell were. And the combination of the three races making up this party was an extremely rare sight. As the three companions were walking towards her, she suddenly recognized the human. The woman had the tell-tale signs of Commander Shepard: fire-red hair and green N7 armor. Visaya quickly stood up from her seat and extended her hand in a greeting.

"Greetings, Commander Shepard. My name is Visaya T'Nari. I am the Illium Shooting Company's location manager overseeing the reservations and material equipment of the Nos Astra shooting range. It is certainly an honor to have you here. Would you like to make use of our services?"

If Shepard was at all surprised at being recognized by the asari, she did not show it. Instead, she took Visaya's hand and shook it. "It's a pleasure to meet you. Yes, we would like to practice shooting different targets. We will be using sniper rifles, so we would like to use your longest lane if possible."

The asari nodded. "Certainly. Will you be using your own rifles or do you want to rent ours?"

Before Shepard could say she wanted to use her own fully-upgraded M-98 Widow, Garrus cleared his throat noisily, drawing all attention toward him.

"I think we'd like to rent rifles. We want to have a fair competition, don't we, Commander?" His mandibles twitched.

Shepard flashed him a sly grin. "As you wish, Vakarian."

As the asari went off to retrieve three identical M-92 Mantis rifles, the Commander prodded Garrus' side teasingly. "Scared you'd lose to my superior weapon? It does give me more reach than yours, after all." Her lopsided grin elicited a rapid and uncontrollable twitch from the turian's mandibles that highly entertained the Spectre. She burst out laughing, placing her hands on her knees and doubling over in glee.

Garrus looked to Thane for help, but the drell seemed to be elsewhere with his thoughts. As usual. So he decided to go with an offensive strategy. "Shepard. I already have a handicap having just recovered from that gunship blast. My right eye is still a bit off. If we use the same rifles, I'm sure our match will be a fair one. You know that you need me handicapped in order to even stand a chance," he chimed.

Shepard stopped laughing but shot him an appreciative grin still. She never minded a good tease, especially when it came from her favorite turian. They were like brother and sister, always bickering and trying to be better than the other. It was all in good spirits, for they cared a lot for each other. She was relieved that Garrus had fully recovered from the fight on Omega. Seeing him hurt like that had worried her greatly. That's why she thought a celebration would be in order, and what could be better than taking it out on the shooting range? Anything to make Garrus feel better. She had invited Thane to come along because the drell had her worried at times. He was so caught up in his memories that he refused to live in the present. She figured a shooting match would at least distract him for a bit. And it was a good way to test his skills.

"Thane, you even here?" Shepard inquired, trying to draw his attention back to the matter at hand.

The drell seemed to come out of his thoughts and blinked at the human and the turian. "Yes. Sorry, Commander. I was lost in thought. I did hear what you said. Using the same rifles is only fair." Thane shifted his feet uncomfortably. He still wasn't used to the camaraderie on board the _Normandy_, even though he liked the Commander very much. There was something in her that eased his stress and softened his dark thoughts. He decided to try and enjoy this day and show his 'adversaries' what he could do with a rifle.

Visaya came back with three Mantises and placed them on her desk. "What kinds of targets do you want to shoot at? We have several installed on the long lane, varying in size, weight and shape. If you want, you can check the possibilities on this datapad here." She handed the datapad over to Shepard, who took it gingerly. Thane and Garrus shuffled closer to Shepard's side to get a better look at the objects they could be shooting at in a moment. The asari folded her arms over her breasts and listened to the squad's banter.

"Pyjaks?" Garrus asked. "We should've brought Grunt with us!"

"And have him charge into it across the whole range? No thank you. I have enough collateral damage to pay for every time I take him to the Citadel and we both know he can only hit something properly if it's practically touching him. Besides, he'd probably mistake it for a real pyjak," Shepard answered.

"What about those missile-shaped targets?" Thane suggested.

"Negative. Garrus might want to hit them with his face."

"Ouch. Too soon, Shepard."

The Commander snickered and then pointed at a target that was shaped like a turian. "Is that Saren?"

Garrus leaned in closer to get a better look before grumbling an affirmative. Shepard snickered again.

"Maybe a geth?"

"Eh. Shot so many of 'em already. Boring."

In the end they chose a combination of smaller and larger targets, including pyjaks and varren for low aims just above ground level and grenades, little flying fish and bird-shaped targets for high aims in the air. Having armed their rifles and received a confirmation from Visaya that their targets would be activated upon their arrival at their lane, they made their way there while discussing the rules of the match. They would each take turns at one specific type of target and then move on to the next. Then they would activate multiple targets at once and take turns again. The one who shot the most targets would win. In case of a tie, the winner would be the one with the truest shot. The more in the middle of a target, the truer the shot. In case of the varren and the pyjak targets, the truer shot would be a straight headshot. As they agreed that Thane would probably be the most virtuous and trustworthy of the party, he would keep tally.

Garrus immediately noticed that his right eye did in fact cause him some trouble aiming. It took a tremendous amount of focus from the turian to aim his shots correctly. While he was used to being an exceptional shooter, his handicap annoyed him immensely. And Shepard certainly did not do much to make him feel better about it. She proved to be highly competitive, prancing around like a puffed up rooster every time she got a true shot. Her goal to lift the turian's spirits had been completely forgotten the very moment the first object had flown in sight of her visor. Thane remained his usual calm self, taking his time aiming and shooting almost every target either exactly in the middle or in the head. The heated competition thus quickly rose to a boiling point.

"YES! Take THAT, Rocket Eater!"

Garrus sighed. "Shepard, really...your joke is getting old quickly."

The Commander waved the turian away dismissively while taking aim for another target.

"Come on, Garrus, you should welcome a little competition. Weren't you so sure of yourself before? Crybaby."

Thane shook his head and looked at Garrus apologetically. The drell was anything but a tease and Shepard's attitude made him feel a little uncomfortable. Garrus realized that it would be up to himself to change this around, so he stepped forward and pushed Shepard just as she was firing her shot. It deflected on the far side wall, leaving a little hole nowhere in the vicinity of the targeted pyjak.

"What the hell, Garrus?!" Shepard cried out. "Are you serious?! You _pushed_ me?" She threw her Mantis on the ground and rounded on Garrus. The two stared each other down, while an uncomfortable drell stood shifting his feet in the background.

"I fell. You stopped my fall." Garrus stated simply.

Shepard's eyes were ablaze with fury.

"Do that...one more time...and I swear to your Spirits that I will stuff a rocket in the good side of your face _myself_," Shepard growled.

To Shepard's great surprise, Garrus started to laugh loudly. His eruption made her blink momentarily and then she burst out in laughter as well. They fell into each other and held on while their simultaneous cackle filled the air. Thane shook is head in confusion.

"I'm sorry, Garrus. I guess I have a little bit of a competitive streak," Shepard managed to say in-between hiccups.

"No problem, Shepard. Apparently you need it. Shooting comes so naturally to me that I don't need to be so competitive about it. I will always win, anyway," chimed Garrus.

That earned him a scowl from the Commander.

"Actually..." began Thane. The turian and human remembered his presence and turned their heads toward the drell. "Actually I'm winning," Thane finished.

"What?" came the in-tune reply from both Shepard and Garrus.

Thane smiled. "I'm winning by five shots. You two are tied. So, technically, none of you is better than the other, but I'm better than the both of you."

The Commander shook her head in disbelief. She couldn't let it rest like this. She needed to...

"Okay, fine. You win. Next time you stay on board the _Normandy_. And you, _Vakarian_, I'll kick your ass the next time. I went easy on you because of your injury. So brace yourself."

Garrus stifled a twitch in his mandibles and grunted. "You just can't give me a break, can you..."

A short while later, three figures left the shooting range: a greatly annoyed human Spectre, a flustered turian, and a victorious drell.


End file.
